the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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