nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
