oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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