is your mom at the bar?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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