yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
