They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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