I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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