there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
