Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So much Jack, so little girl.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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