Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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