How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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