I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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