so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
