Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You can't just leave with hair like that
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
