I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
