Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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