I puked a lego.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
pray to the hookup gods
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
