Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
