i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
