That's intense
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
