He uses pillows to masturbate.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
