Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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