You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
