u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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