my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize