Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
