there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
