mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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