I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
