Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
