my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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