I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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