FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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