i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
