I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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