I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
