does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
