what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
