please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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