a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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