i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
