90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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