just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
