my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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