When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
