if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
