1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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