Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
