I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
