So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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