My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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