you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
