I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
