I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
