I should be sponsored by Trojan
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
