The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
