he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
